Weekly Tech Views 18 – Nov 14, 2015


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Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

It feels somewhat ridiculous to post this buffoonery today, given what’s happened in the world over the last 24 hours, but maybe a few minutes of harmless nonsense isn’t the worst thing.

When I Say Service Pack, You Say Party!…
A Windows 10 update has arrived, which includes improved “snap” docking of windows, colored title bars for apps, and an updated Control Panel icon. “Colored title bars? Dude, Fallout 4 is gonna have to wait!” exclaimed that one guy.

…And There Ain’t No Party Like A Browser Party!
Firefox for iOS is now available. It will bring in bookmarks, browser history, and passwords for those with a Firefox account. “I mean, seriously, what was Bethesda thinking releasing Fallout now?!”

Wii Were The Champions, My Friends
Nintendo held its Nintendo Direct event to announce coming Wii U and 3DS titles. We learned, among other things, that Legend of Zelda is coming next year and that a Wii U bundle with Super Smash Bros. and Splatoon will be available on Black Friday.

Surprisingly, there was no mention of the rumored, highly anticipated Wii U-Turn, a game allowing you to dress your Mii in the nostalgic, bygone fashions of 2006 and to relive that heady era filled with glorious hours of standing in line at Circuit City to get your hands on the most popular videogame console of its time—The Wii. U-Turn would allow you to interact with other players in line, saying things like “Really, you swing the controller just like a real tennis racket, and the player on screen does the same! Nintendo’s the best!” and “It even plays GameCube games! Nintendo’s the best!” Achievements would be earned by bribing the 17-year-old stock boy to sneak you one of the coveted consoles out the loading dock doors or selling one on ebay for triple its retail price.

There’s Only So Many “Team Betty” T-Shirts I’m Willing To Buy
Google Play Books has been updated to make comic book reading better. That’s great, as long as “better” means Archie finally chooses either Betty or Veronica. This “will they or won’t they” crap is driving me crazy.

Hey, How ‘Bout Those Red Wings?
A Detroit ISP is bringing 100 Gigabits per second service to the city’s businesses, which means when a company offers its Lions season tickets to a client via email, the extra-large middle finger emoji sent in reply will load in the blink of an eye.

What, Am I Applying For A Job Here?
Tinder now allows work and education information in your profile. Given Tinder’s reputation as an app for hook-ups rather than serious dating (as far as a happily-married man who has had absolutely no reason to have ever seen the app would know—hi honey!), and knowing the way guys think, there won’t be a text field for “Work,” just a three-choice drop-down menu of lies: Doctor, Lawyer, Professional Athlete.

On the one hand, for a one-night relationship, how many people care what the other person does for a living? But on the other, it is pretty easy to fake something cool for a couple hours. In fact, to pull off doctor, you don’t even need any medical knowledge; just repeat paperwork, Medicaid, and insurance companies a few times.

For a woman, work info is even less useful. Sure, you could widen eyes a little with Stripper, Porn Actress, or Lingerie Model (obviously, there’s no reason a woman couldn’t also claim to be a Doctor, Lawyer, or Professional Athlete, but in the Tinder universe, you go with what sells), but, frankly, you could admit to a fourth grade education that you’ve put to use in your career as an apprentice fish-gutter, but if your photo looks good… right swipe city. In fact, that profile could work in a woman’s favor, with guys thinking an uneducated fish gutter would really appreciate meeting a former NFL wide receiver who left his booming law practice to focus on brain surgery.

There Will Always Be A Place For You In The Genius Bar
With the release of the 13-inch iPad Pro, Apple CEO Tim Cook commented, “Why would you buy a PC anymore?” at which everyone in Apple’s MacBook division lifted their heads and looked quizzically at each other. Cook quickly followed with, “I said PC, guys. A Mac isn’t a PC. We’ll need you guys for… uh, forever. No worries, right?”

Whoa… They’re Circles… And Circles Have 360 Degrees…
Facebook has added 360-degree video support for iOS, and will allow advertisers to utilize the technology. Among those already making plans to take advantage are AT&T, Walt Disney World, and Ritz Crackers. This can only benefit consumers. Like I’ve always said, the problem with Ritz crackers is that traditional video advertising has never been able to adequately convey their intricate complexity and nuance–the essential “Ritziness”—of the product. Now, assuming they bring back the old “Everything’s better when it sits on a Ritz” campaign and I am able to feel like I AM ACTUALLY SITTING ON A RITZ, then I’m in, gluten be damned.

More Like Oculus Ritz, Am I Right?
Samsung’s Gear VR, developed in collaboration with Oculus Rift, will be available for purchase next week. You probably know the device by its street name, SG Virtual Ritzality.

Don’t Forget Smosh And CaptainSparklez
Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer announced the Connected Watch, its first Android Wear watch, with a retail price of $1,500. One can only assume the long tradition of celebrity promoters like Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Leonardo DeCaprio, and Uma Thurman posing with their Tag Heuers in low-key photos in fancy magazines (that are 85% ads and weigh more than your average three-year-old) will be tweaked for a new generation, and current customers are expected to stare at the pop-up ad on their favorite finance site and demand of their assistants, “Who is this? PewDiePie? What the hell is a PewDiePie and why is it wearing my watch?”

Plus, It Leaves More Time For Virtual Reality Ritz Ads
The pay TV industry lost 350,000 subscribers during the last quarter, nearly all cancellations coming the day after another season of Real Housewives of New Jersey was confirmed, and innocent TV viewers who had accidentally seen a few seconds of the last season while channel surfing said, “Never again.”

Thanks, as always, for coming by. I’m off to satisfy my sudden urge for some round, buttery, wheat crackers.

Mike Range

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